I keep having my profile on that dating website "Match.com" rejected.

 

One of the questions is, "What do you want in a woman?".

 

Apparently "my c**k" is not an acceptable answer.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, "you've all got one minute

 

to get out!"

 

The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "You b@stard!"

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why are women like clouds? Eventually they disappear and it's a really

 

nice day.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

What's the difference between light and hard?

 

You can sleep with a light on.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood

 

rings so she could monitor my mood.

 

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I

 

am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to

 

check her balance.

 

So I pushed her over.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Zebo, a half blind five year old South African orphan, has to ride 7

 

miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels

 

and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you

 

the video, it's fcuking hilarious....

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate "My mother-in-law is an

 

angel".

 

His dude replies "You're so f ** cking lucky... Mine is still alive..."

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

 

The librarian says; Fcuk off, you won't bring it back.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more informa tion, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

 

Spent the weekend on the Comal River... Water was chili, sun was hot, beer was shaken, but cold as ice!!!  Fabulous!  Just wanted to rub it in...

And now back to our regularly scheduled monday boredom and routine...  Blah!